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Rare Beast for sale!
Description: Long and Curvy it is a purple and blue spots on it.
By Jonathan, age 13, from Hong Kong
Name: Pet
Description: A mop with a yellow eye
4 Reasons Why You Should Buy It:
1. Put a stick upon the mop-like creature's head and it can really be used as a mop!
2. It's cheap! Only 5000 pounds! What more can you ask for?
3. It can be used as a wig and it looks great. ("Well, at least it looks great on Ellen when I put Pet on her head while she's sleeping," says Edgar.) ("You what?" says Ellen.) ("Ouch!" says Edgar.)
4. The last and most convincing, most reasonable reason: we'll play a prank on you if you don't buy it!
Readers Talk Back
How come the town zoo has not done more to bring exotic animals into its cages? Everyone knows that one of the defining elements of a great town is the variety of wild animals it subdues into captivity. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am pretty well tired of feeding crackers to the same two goats and that one ornery sheep with a lisping baa. How about the disappointment of the over-hyped camelback riding? That lazy camel wouldn't even circle my little Drew around that tiny pen at his birthday party! My poor birthday boy was simply inconsolable, and all I could do was offer him a plastic turtle keychain. I think it is high time Nod's Limbs extends its grasp on the animal kingdom! Where are the emus? The llamas? The parakeets? Let's get with the century, folks. If Nod's really wants to put itself on the map, we should do a little zoological ferreting. Hey, how about a ferret?
-Martha Knudson
A number of bowlers reported severe itching attacks during the tri-annual Limbs Bowl-a-Thon at Nod's Lanes this past weekend. Detective Carla Doogey determined that the deodorant spray normally used by lane staff to sanitize rental shoes had been replaced with a suspicious itch-inducing concoction. Doogey turned her findings over to Nod's Labs for further analysis. As of this report, lab experts have only acknowledged that the mysterious spray is an exotic plant-based formula. Despite the tickly interruptions, resilient rollers bowled their way into the record books once again by tossing an astounding combined four hundred and fourteen gutter balls. Bowl on, Limbers!
A small herd of Jersey cows blocked several intersections near the center of town over the weekend. Said cows are all property of the Limb's Dairy Farm and were returned safely to their homes by experienced animal rescue personnel. Dairy Farm manager Jill McMeeth expressed confusion over her mass cow exodus. She also indicated that several cow stalls had been painted with a red upper case 'E'. Large quantities of heavy cream and butter were reported missing from the facility as well. Several middle school students were volunteered by parents to clean the methane mess left by the malodorous bovines. How's that for school spirit!
The Nod's Limbs High School production of the famous French musical, Les Miserables, lived up to its name this past Thursday evening when the elaborate set completely collapsed moments before the curtain rose. Nobody was hurt, but the show's opening has been postponed indefinitely. Two silver candlesticks were also reported missing from the set. School janitor Marty Clunch reported seeing two suspicious individuals lurking near the stage entrance earlier in the week.
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"Yuk Yuk Truck" Amuck!
By Timmy Molsen and Nancy Weedle, staff writers
Nod's Limbs: When Bea Haggardly left her house yesterday morning to change the outfits on her topiary bushes, she dropped her leaf-laden lederhosen when confronted with what she described as "an unexpected and unwelcome surprise."
"It was a beautiful spring morning. I was just about to dress my plant people for the day when I saw something unnatural sticking out of the forehead of my Jimmy hedge," Mrs. Haggardly said. "Unnatural Élike a snake."
Yes, a snake in spring: brightly colored, two feet long, beady little eyes. Nod's Limbsians awoke yesterday to find these "beasts" in every place where snakes should not be: draped over mailboxes, wedged in mailboxes, strewn under mailboxes, and covering the grounds of the zoo.
The Nod's Limbs Zoo, unused to animals of such an exotic nature, was unprepared for such events. Amid feathers and hay, the zooÕs confused chickens warily eyed their new serpentine coop-mates. The Squirrel House was more atwitter than usual as well, and many of the residents spent the day hurling acorns at the slitherers.
"In all my time as the Mayor of Nod's Limbs, weÕve never before had a problem with snakes," said Mayor Knightleigh, on the scene for disaster control. He later added, "And we still donÕt. These things are hilarious!"
Spring was in the air. Literally. These were no ordinary reptiles; these were novelty joke springs made to look like snakesÉand they had sprung all over town! But from where? After studying their trajectory, these reporters were led to an overturned truck on the north side of town. Its carriage was marked "Dr. PhunnimanÕs Prank and Novelty Company," and we found that it had once contained cartons of spring-loaded snakes.
A representative of Dr. Phunniman, Larry Lokey, sat dazed beside the truck.
"I was delivering this truck to Smelterburg, you see," Mr. Lokey said, rubbing his head. "It was supposed to be a huge surprise when the townsfolk opened these gift cans of nuts, and all these snakes popped out instead. But then I had to stop for this big pile of junk in the road. I got out to investigate, and before I knew it, these two little white ghoulies jumped out of the woods and pulled open the back doors of the truck!"
Larry continued, "I donÕt think they knew the truck was packed with spring snakes. Usually all we carry is hand buzzers, rubber chickens, and dental floss. Those two sure did yelp when the snakes shot out. I just donÕt understandwhy would anyone want to sneak into a pranking supplies truck?"
ItÕs still unclear who or what the two "ghoulies" were. The driver described them as "pale, and topped with two huge bug eyes." Any information about these truck tricksters should be sent to Mayor Knightleigh, so he can thank them for so festively decorating the town.
*** Send in your own newspaper article! ***
A Wrong Side of Town?
by Nancy Weedle, staff writer
Poetry fever has taken over Nod's Limbs over the last month, and no event was more talked about than the third annual Mayor Knightleigh's Poetry Contest. From the mighty Mayor to some of our tiniest tots, superior scribes have been scribbling away all over town. There's no need for any of you esteemed citizens to call the doctor, because the diagnosis is clear: Nod's Limbs has poetry fever. We here at the Gazette, in an attempt to give you readers what you want, have decided to run an exclusive look into the contest proceedings. Although we won't be able to announce winners until next month, the judges for this year's contest, Mrs. Pringle and Miss Croquet from Nod's Limbs Grammar School, and, of course, the Mayor's wife, Judith Votzerphays-Knightleigh, have agreed to allow us an exclusive look into the selection process.
I Am the Mayor
By: Mayor Knightleigh
Sometimes, when
My town sleeps,
I think, what is a mayor?
Why a mayor?
How a mayor?
Who is the mayor?
And then I realize:
I am the Mayor.
Of course I am.
MRS. PRINGLE: It's moving, isn't it?
MISS CROQUET: It's unfortunate the Mayor can't win his own contest. Or can he?
JUDITH VOTZERPHAYS-KNIGHTLEIGH: Why can't the Mayor win the contest?
I am the Mayor's Daughter
By: Stephanie Knightleigh
I love purple,
and I am so fair,
I often spend hours
Brushing my hair.
Also, I come from good breeding;
my father, he's the Mayor.
MRS. PRINGLE: I love the Mayor's daughter.
MISS CROQUET: I have always loved her. She's very good at answering politely and keeping her hands to herself.
JUDITH VOTZERPHAYS-KNIGHTLEIGH: This is a fabulous poem. She's dazzling.
Ode to a Shrub
By: Mr. Poshi
A shrub in the morning is green,
green, green, and if it is summer,
full of green leaves. It is summer.
I look at the leavesàI want to be a shrub.
MRS. PRINGLE: I think it's fabulous to want to be a shrub. Just fabulous.
MISS CROQUET: What a nice man! He marches to his own drum.
JUDITH VOTZERPHAYS-KNIGHTLEIGH: This is very interestingàI think he truly wants to be a shrub.
Strawberry
By: Stanley Mulligan
I met a strawberry
On the road, that had lost
All of his friends. He once
Lived with others in
A little green basket, but the basket
Went to Sweden.
MRS. PRINGLE: Nice try, Stanley. We love you!
MISS CROQUET: It's whimsicalÉmaybe.
MRS. VOTZERPHAYS-KNIGHTLEIGH: What do strawberries have to do with Sweden?
*** Send in your own newspaper article! ***
Top 5 Really Annoying Things to Do to Your Sister, by Edgar
by Meghan, age 11, guest writer from Australia
1. Put a frog in her lunchbox.
2. Play the pipe organ really badly and loudly.
3. While she's asleep, paint her face bright yellow.
4. This is my personal favourite! Take a really embarrassing photo of her and submit it to the local paper. Believe me, it's foolproof! I tried it last week and it was so funny!
"What are you doing brother?"
"UmÉ. nothing."
"Let me see thatÉHey! You were the one who took that photo of me and submitted it to the Nod's Limbs Gazette!"
"Wait sister, I think we can fix this byÉ. AHH! NOO! OW MY LEG! OWWWWWW!"
[This next sentence is written by Ellen.]
Muahaha! Well, I think he deserved it.
"I will get you for this Ellen!"
"Quiet you!"
THE END!
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