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Rare Beast for sale!
Description: Long and Curvy it is a purple and blue spots on it.
By Jonathan, age 13, from Hong Kong
Name: Pet
Description: A mop with a yellow eye
4 Reasons Why You Should Buy It:
1. Put a stick upon the mop-like creature's head and it can really be used as a mop!
2. It's cheap! Only 5000 pounds! What more can you ask for?
3. It can be used as a wig and it looks great. ("Well, at least it looks great on Ellen when I put Pet on her head while she's sleeping," says Edgar.) ("You what?" says Ellen.) ("Ouch!" says Edgar.)
4. The last and most convincing, most reasonable reason: we'll play a prank on you if you don't buy it!
Readers Talk Back
Get your donuts here! Get your donuts here! Everybody get your fresh-from-scratch, scrumptious circles of sin at my new donut shop on Cairo Avenue. I call it "Mel's Donuts," which makes sense because my name is Mel (short for Melanie, not Melvin -- yep, I'm a girl!) and I sell (you guessed it) donuts! I know, I know, I should be taking out an ad in this fine local newspaper, but since I am just starting out my business money is a tad tight! I can already tell what a wonderfully friendly town this is, so I hope you all don't mind a little free advertising here in the Gazette. Here's my ad: BUY MY DONUTS! We have a great selection of jelly donuts for all you jelly lovers: grape jelly, strawberry jelly, peach jelly, orange marmalade and jalapeno! Stop in to my shop on the corner of Cairo and Rio. Ask for Mel. That's me! Free coffee with your first dozen!
-Melanie Stouffe, owner of Mel's Donuts
Editor's Note: Welcome to Nod's Limbs, Melanie! We at the Gazette have already sampled a few dozen, and the jalapeno jelly is the surprise, feel-good hit of the holiday season!
While I agree entirely with the town ordinance forbidding the use of cellular phones in public, I must express my opposition to Mayor Knightleigh's proposed ban on guffawing in restaurants and other public places. I understand perfectly the intent of the ban. A loud guffaw at the wrong time can ruin someone's appetite or cause a waiter to spill hot soup on an unsuspecting patron; however, are we not treading a bit close to the infringement of civil liberties here? Nod's Limbsians are a freedom loving people. Though we should take every precaution to safeguard the atmosphere of cordiality and kindness that we so cherish, I do not feel it should come at the expense of our freedom to laugh loudly and spontaneously.
- Wallace Spuntz
Special bottles of pink milk distributed by the Nod's Limbs Dairy inexplicably turned a disgusting shade of green on the milk truck this Monday. Police were called to the scene on Kyoto Drive when delivery woman Elsie Miller broke down and cried hysterically. "All that work for nothing! My Strawberry Sweetheart blend looks like St. Patty's Day Puke!" Residents are encouraged to avoid pink or green milk and to give Elsie a hug if you see her.
Miss Croquet, everyone's favorite teacher at Nod's Limbs Grammar School, reported several boxes of chalk missing from her classroom after school on Tuesday. Other teachers made similar reports. Principal Feely ordered a school-wide search, where it was determined that every last stick of chalk had mysteriously disappeared.
The beautifully painted Valentine's Day mural in front of City Hall was defaced sometime late Monday evening. Two white doves were painted black and given ghastly yellow talons, while the pink heart between them was painted a ruddy red and now has worms and bugs crawling out of it. Some wonderful calligraphy was also ruined, with romantic letters of love now covered by two capital "E"s. The eighth grade artists have formed their own band of Valentine vigilantes to ferret out the heartless heathens responsible.
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Breaking News: Rubber Bands Have Feelings, Too!
By Timmy Molsen, staff writer
According to the Folks for the Liberation of Office and School Supplies, or F.L.O.S.S., a new scientific study has found that rubber bands have feelings, too.
The report, announced last week via flyers strewn about the city, shocked the good citizens of Nod's Limbs. The flyers quote expert elastologists Lynn Cognito and Art I. Ficial, who have determined that rubber bands feel pain and happiness just like humans do, and should therefore be treated charitably.
Mayor Knightleigh responded quickly to the news with a rally in the town square. "Rubber bands have been exploited for long enough!" he proclaimed to a crowd of cheering supporters. "I do hereby proclaim January "Be A Friend To Your Rubber Band Month!"
Citizens took immediate action by forming a Nod's Limbs branch of F.L.O.S.S. Newly appointed President Wallace Spuntz had this to say:
"Anyone who uses rubber bands isn't only hurting the rubber band. They're hurting themselves. Join F.L.O.S.S. today and get this free tie-dyed T-shirt! But uhÉ no rubber bands were harmed in the creation of this T-shirt."
Members of F.L.O.S.S., referring to themselves as "Band-Aids," organized numerous rallies calling for the end of rubber band abuse. Attendees advertised such political statements as "Don't Make a Ball out of Me!" and "Rubber Bands are Friends, Not Function!" Also, proud Nod's Limbsians sported bumper stickers bearing the slogans, "I Can't Believe It's Not Rubber!", "Band-Free is the Life for Me," and "I'd Rather be Disorganized than Use Rubber Bands."
In a final move to provide relief to thousands of stretched out rubber bands, F.L.O.S.S. Treasurer and proud representative Penelope Switt organized a Free Range Rubber Band Sanctuary in the unused dump and graveyard on the outskirts of town. "These rubber bands have had a tough life of manual labor. They deserve to retire in peace," Switt said.
In the weeks since the Sanctuary was established, however, much commotion and angry protestations have been heard emerging from the town dump. Some Nod's Limbsians fear it may be Rubber Band poachers. Others believe the bands themselves are grumbling for a better standard of living. Either way, someone- something-is up to no good.
*** Send in your own newspaper article! ***
Broccoli Craze May Sweep Nod's Limbs
by Dalton Strom
According to Nod's Limbs Grammar School janitor Marty Clunch, a new craze may soon sweep Nod's Limbs. It involves broccoli. It involves fun. How could it happen?
"How could it not happen?" asks Janitor Clunch. "My grandaughter Tammy complained that she was bored. She was whining. I hate whining. I said to myself that the next time she says she's bored I'll make her play with broccoli. I tell you, it brought back memories of when broccoli was all we had and kids were never bored."
Clunch went on to explain that when he was growing up, his parents lost one of their plough horses and the family had to find inventive ways to get through the tough times.
He remembers that less money meant no more shiny new toys: "We didn't have fancy toys to play with, so we had to rely on our imaginations. That meant finding new and inventive ways to entertain ourselves."
It all started with a neighbor, Jim Burnett. Burnett was known across Nod's Limbs for his famous broccoli dishes, and he would often give the extra trimmings to the Clunches. "After that it was only a matter of time," recalls Clunch. "We had all of this broccoli and we didn't know what to do with it, so we used it to have some fun."
One of the most popular games Clunch and his friends invented was called "Broccoli Palace." At the game's start, everyone got a pile of broccoli that was roughly the same size. The object of the game was to use the broccoli bits to build a "palace."
Clunch concedes that the palaces didn't really look much like palaces. "It wasn't about that. It was about pulling yourself up when the chips were down. Toughing it out. Making sure that you kept your chin up. We were tough back then, much tougher than these kids today. We used our imaginations. Those broccoli castles looked good enough to eat, and you know we were hungry."
After ten minutes, the individual with the tallest broccoli palace would win all of the broccoli used in the contest. Clunch remembers it well. He says, "The walk home was over twelve miles, but I never minded because when I won I would eat broccoli the whole way."
That broccoli-eating little boy has grown into a successful janitor, and he has a word or two of advice for children everywhere. "You kids have it so easy it makes me sorry for you. How are you ever going to make anything of yourselves? Back then, if you got a hole in the knee of your pants, you'd patch it up with a piece of bark and keep going. Kids knew how to get out and go. Now they don't know how to do anything at all. It makes me crazy."
Inspired to take action, Clunch brought home ten pounds of broccoli, placed it in his refrigerator, and waited for granddaughter Tammy to visit. Three weeks later, she and her mother finally dropped by, and Tammy complained that she had nothing to do.
Clunch says, "At first she griped a little because the broccoli was old and she thought it was too slimy to play with. That was nonsense. I got down on my knees and played the game with her. I taught her how to play Broccoli Palace and she had the time of her life. It was a great game. Great time. Plenty of imagination."
Janitor Clunch, thanks to his recent purchases, has a surplus of old broccoli on his hands, though he worries about being able to keep up with demand for what he suspects will be the upcoming broccoli craze.
*** Send in your own newspaper article! ***
The Weird Whistlers of Nod's Limbs
by Clive Brussells, Nod's Limbs poet laureate
The town of Nod's Limbs, what a place to reside!
A pleasanter setting you never have spied.
Without flaw or disorder the whole city wide
A source of the townspeople's infinite pride.
But only last week, when begins my brief ditty,
Nod's Limbs had become a most frightful city.
A bane to the townsfolk and'twas such a pity
Unsafe for each squirrel, chipmunk, mailman and kitty.
Dogs! There were dogs roaming sidewalks and dogs roaming streets,
Strays on the hunt for fetch games and dog treats.
They played in the park yapping at joggers' feet,
And lounged on the lawns, choosing flowers to eat.
At long last the people could take it no more.
And politely, they knocked on Mayor Knightleigh's front door.
"Mayor, your assistance we kindly implore,
This is a problem we just can't ignore!"
The Mayor, he heeded his citizen's cries.
He made an address with delight in his eyes.
"Whoever can make these dogs say their goodbyes
Will win a quite wonderful Knightleigh surprise!"
The townspeople let out a boisterous cheer,
As they eagerly looked for their star to appear.
A scuffle and then the crowd started to clearÉ
For two kids in PJs, both looking quite queer.
"Cast off all your worries, good ladies and sirs,
We'll take up the task to which Knightleigh refers.
Nod's Limbs will be rid of these crazed canine curs,
When they hear the song of the Weird Waif Whistlers!"
Then they held to their lips whistles dirty and cheap,
And they played through the streets with a hop and a leap.
All dogs perked their ears and were roused from their sleep,
Although the strange whistles let out not one peep!
What a crazy, unruly, uproarious clash
Of Whistler and dog in a maddening dash,
As together they ran to the woods in a flashÉ
Then the Whistlers came back to the Mayor for their cash.
"Money?" the Mayor said with obvious glee.
"Why, your prize is candy, and it's sugar-free!"
The Whistlers swapped glares as they started to see
That their mountain of wealth was not meant to be.
They scowled at the crowd and they said with a frown,
"We'll never be taken for jokers or clowns.
We'll have our revengeyes, we'll never back down,
'Till all of your children are lured out of town!"
They ran through the streets, now with candy in hand
And every kid followed them, just as they'd planned.
The troops formed a merry petite marching band,
And all the adults seemed to find it quite grand.
"How nice!" they exclaimed. "It's a children's parade!"
"Such a whimsical party these Whistlers have made!"
They joined in the march, 'till the forest's dark shade
Soon signaled that daylight had started to fade.
The Whistlers, they surveyed their victory so sweet,
But found they'd attracted a most different fleet.
Their group now included the whole town complete,
And the pair was then forced to admit their defeat.
The two did not want a whole town on their hands.
Especially not one that had thwarted their plans,
And fully ignored their determined demands,
While pursuing them blindly to uncharted lands!
So, to the townsfolk, they huffed and they sneered,
And ran into the night, 'till they both disappeared.
And that is the story. To the facts, I've adhered,
Of the tale of two Whistlers, so terribly weird.
(If you are a person who is given a fright
To think of those people alone in the night,
Don't worryeach one of them got home all right.)
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